Owls, Foxes, and Fika - my latest book

It’s been awhile since I’ve written a blog post. It’s not, however, because I stopped writing. My time, creativity and energy has been spent on writing my latest novel, Owls, Foxes, and Fika.* In 2019, I had a kid. The ‘getting to the kid part’ and the first year of parenting really shook my mental health. My OCD reared it’s head, which wasn’t surprising given my history. None the less, it made bath time, sleep time, feeding time and living on the 12th floor with a balcony extremely difficult. My OCD would shout at me that my baby was at risk… because of me. Around the same time, my two friends were also navigating major life changes that rocked them to their cores. The death of a brother and a breakup with the love of their life.

My two friends and I, we are therapists. We have tons of skills. We are resilient human beings. Did you catch that last part. We’re humans. I know right… I thought therapists weren’t supposed to have problems. Let me break that misconception right now. I definitely held that mistaken belief in my twenties and early thirties. I thought therapists lived in a land of unicorns. Gods who were always emotionally stable with nothing but healthy relationships and families. I know better now… probably because I’m healthier than I was back then, and probably because I’m a therapist and I have yet to meet a real life unicorn.** There can be a lot of shame and stigma around therapists struggling, mainly because we don’t often talk about it. Enough of the silence.

I digress.

So, there we were. Struggling. Yet, each Friday, we would meet for coffee and go for a walk. We showed up in whatever state we were in and listened to one another, putting one foot in front of the other as we walked along a path with a source of caffeine in hand. We held space for grief, unknowns and uncertainty. We cried, vented and laughed. Oh how there is such power in sharing pain (and joy) amongst friends, as there is with learning how to give and receive compassion and validation. Friday’s were a tether when life got messy and raw. And, as I do, I needed to write about this monumental period in my life and I thought I’d share it with you. It’s not for everyone, nor do I claim to be a best selling author. I view it as a therapeutic process that I invite you in on. Enjoy!

*Many people ask how to say the last word of the title - fika. It’s a Swedish word for having coffee with friends while eating cinnamon buns or cookies. It sounds like - fee ka

**I have to say, my life is filled with unicorns… but not real life ones. There are unicorn stuffies, and unicorn printed pjs and t-shirts and blankets, and enough unicorn themed b-day parties to fill a lifetime of unicorn seeking needs.

Brrr! It’s Getting Cold Outside: Preparing for Winter with COVID

As people living in Canada, it’s commonplace to talk about the weather. “It’s a cold one out there, eh,” “This weather really gets into your bones,” and “It’s so hot you can fry an egg out there” are to be expected when riding on an elevator or making chit chat while standing in line as you wait to order a coffee. Approaching this winter season, I hear similar comments. What’s different though, is an accompanying sense of dread linked to the restrictions put in place to help slow the spread of COVID-19. Understandably. Here are a few suggestions that might help navigate the next few months. 

Give Yourself Some Compassion. Give yourself permission to grieve. In many ways, we have been doing that for the better part of 2020. It has been tough. There is no denying that. It’s okay to be sad and angry. Acknowledge and validate these feelings. Breathe in the pain of this past year and then breathe out loving kindness to those around you. 

Expect Things to Be Different This Year. Go into this season knowing it is unlike any other. Try to let go of the expectation that the holidays* and winter months need to look how they’ve always looked. Some experiences will run their normal course and some will not. Be open to new things and don’t worry about it needing to be a complete success. 

Practice Hygge. I have a co-worker that is all about Hygge. Come winter, she embraces the Danish lifestyle of coziness and contentment. Think of thick faux-fur lined knee high slipper socks, hot chocolate in a ceramic mug with marshmallows, the crackling of wood burning in a fireplace, a beige knitted blanket, snow landing on the outside window sill, a spiced candle flickering in its holder on the side table next to a favourite book. Perhaps, I just described your nightmare. It’s different for everyone and that is completely okay. Make that bowl of popcorn. Turn off the lights and watch that favourite movie. Bake cookies, bread or cook that nostalgic stew your gramma would make when you were a child. Spend some time in your workshop surrounded by the scent of lumber. Play board games within your household or D&D online with friends. Puzzle while listening to an audiobook. Draw or colour. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to enjoy the simple things in life. 

Buy Snowpants. There’s a Scandinavian philosophy that says, “There’s no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothes.” From what we know in terms of safe socializing, being outside in small numbers is recommended. Put on that toque, buy snow pants, pull on warm winter boots, go to a second hand store to buy a winter jacket, put on layers. We know it’s going to be cold. Snow is expected. Being dressed for the weather will help you be able to be in the weather. A Swedish friend recently said to me, “If you wait for good weather in Sweden, you’ll never get out.” Experiment with challenging your idea of perfect weather by safely going for walks in the falling snow, grab that raincoat and rubber boots to navigate sleet and slush, wear lights on your jacket as you stroll beside your friend on those dark early mornings and evenings visits. 

My mind returns to the DBT skill of intentionally creating positive experiences. Pair this with radical acceptance of it is what it is and we might just get through this winter. One way or the other, spring will come. Crocuses and daffodils will emerge as the snow melts. 

*The holidays are not always experienced with joy and cheer. For many, it is lonely and difficult. Please reach out if you are in crisis by contacting Here 24/7 or visit your local emergency department. 

Coping with COVID-19

It’s the weekend. I look outside my window and there aren’t any cars on the street. There should be cars on this street. Lots of them. A lot has happened in the last two weeks that has greatly impacted how we live our lives. From how we shop to if and where we go to work. Then, there’s the mandatory quarantines for travellers and social distancing regulations. There isn’t much else on the news other than information regarding COVID-19. It’s been a lot to digest on all levels. Here are a few reminders to help cope during this time.  

#1 Give Space for Emotions

It’s okay to feel what you feel right now. Fear, anger, disappointment, gratitude, sadness, interest, relief, anticipation, sorrow, guilt, happiness - it’s all okay! Remember, we have never been through something like this in our lifetime and with information coming at us as quickly as it has been, it’s hard to keep up. It can feel like a cognitive and emotional roller-coaster. Give space for your emotions. It takes up too much energy not too. 

#2 Control What You Can 

Remember January’s post on Mine, Your’s and God’s Business? It’s a great time to apply this concept.  We only have control over our own actions. We can’t make people wash their hands or obey quarantine rules, nor can we control the fact the virus exists. We can control, however, if and for how long we wash our own hands (20 seconds with soap) and how we practice social distancing. It will drive you bonkers trying to control what other people are or aren’t doing. Focusing on what you can builds a sense of control versus helplessness or hopelessness. 

#3 Loving Kindness Meditation 

February’s post also comes in handy right now. Take some time throughout each day to stop and say a prayer/meditation on loving kindness for yourself, someone you love, an acquaintance, someone you have conflict with and the population as a whole. I, especially, like this last point as we are truly in this together right now. May we be happy, may we be well. 

Doing something kind for someone else can also make one feel good.  It’s a great way of turning outward versus focusing on one’s own experiences. Get creative! There are many opportunities (big and small) to pass on kindness. 

#4 Basic Needs

Remember your 5 basic needs - physical, social, emotional, spiritual and mental? Whether you’re an essential service worker, working from home or currently unemployed, find ways to get these needs met. It’s critical for maintaining health and wellness in the long run. It might look different from how you would have met them before the pandemic, although you might be surprised by the welcomed change. Create some sort of schedule and routine as it can bring about normalcy and comfort. 

#5 Living with Risk and Uncertainty 

Living with OCD, I’ve had to learn to accept and tolerate risk and uncertainty in my life. It is an ongoing concept I have to practice. As much as I want concrete answers and timelines right now, I have to tolerate that I might not get them. Life requires me to engage with risk and uncertainty, otherwise there’s a hazard of becoming immobilized and isolated. I can do what I can to follow protocols and procedures that are put in place to reduce risk. After that, the rest is out of my hands. I have to let go. What will happen will happen (there’s our good DBT friend radical acceptance again).  

I end with the reminder that nothing lasts forever. Life is constantly changing and evolving. I don’t know what the future holds, however it won’t always look like how it does now. Feel what you feel, control what you can, say a prayer or meditation and meet your needs while you live amongst the risks and uncertainties that today and tomorrow brings. Look for the many positives and moments that make you smile. They still exist, it just might look a little different than what you were used to. 

Thinking of you all, keep well. 

I Gotta Get This Post Up - Taking Time to Rest

I’m currently sitting in a café. I’m a few paragraphs in on a piece about the importance of critical thinking and learning to find one’s voice when my thoughts start wandering. If I’m honest, they’ve been wandering for awhile. I notice annoyance emerge as well as anxiety about the possibility that I might not have anything to post by my self-imposed deadline. I welcome any distraction that comes my way - a text, social media, drinking my coffee, people watching, the falling snow, writing on another project. I should be productive during this time. It’s my time to use however I want, and I want to be using it for writing because I know the rest of my week will contain little time for it. I’m tired. Actually, I’m really, really tired. I’m frustrated that my energy doesn’t align with my free time. Yet, this is my reality. 

I recall a few skills I could use. From Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, I can apply radical acceptance. After all, it is what it is; I’m tired in my free time because I’m tired in my free time; my thoughts are wandering because my thoughts are wandering. There’s freedom in acceptance. I notice a slight lightening in my body and chest when I lean into acceptance versus trying to fight against it. If I don’t get a post up in time, I don’t get a post up in time. 

The next skill I can practice is self-compassion and a little Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I can remind myself that it’s okay that I might miss my deadline even though I don’t want to. I can soothe my anxious thoughts and frustrations with warmhearted words - my worth is  defined by much more than meeting deadlines. I could take a few minutes to do a guided loving kindness meditation if I can’t come up these words on my own. 

I can also listen to my body and rest. I recently saw a post on social media on nine forms of rest. It confirms what a new mom once said to me, “rest doesn’t always mean sleep”. It can take the form of doing something unproductive or  taking a break from responsibility. Sometimes I’m surprised how much my energy levels and clarity improve by simply taking 30 minutes to watch a T.V. show or go for a walk around the block. 

Another option is to switch gears and write about something totally different, or come back to this task at another time. It can help to be flexible, a skill I continually need to practice. No one is making me do this, I choose to write because I enjoy it and find it therapeutic. While I think it’s important to foster critical thinking skills, I can come back to that post when the mood, inspiration and energy level return for the themes of that piece. I also give myself permission to not write at all right now if I so choose. 

On that note, I’m going to end this post. Before I do, I invite you to practice some radical acceptance, self-compassion, rest and flexibility when energy levels are low, rigidity is high and the inner critic is rearing its head. What do you do in times to manage self-imposed (or other imposed) deadlines and goals that don’t meet up with energy levels or interest? How do you rest? 

Loving Kindness

I’ve had a lot going on in my life recently. My thoughts are scattered and my attention is pulled in countless directions. I’m not as mindful or in the moment as I’d like to be and have to deliberately bring myself back into the moment from endless “to do” items. Amidst the aforementioned thoughts that occupy my mind, I’m also curious about human nature; why I do what I don’t want to do and why I don’t do what I want to do. I’ve been thinking a lot about kindness lately. I’ve struggled at various times with both giving as well as receiving it. It doesn’t always come easily to me and can take effort and intention that I often don’t feel I have. Yet, it is a practice and value I want to continue taking steps towards. 

There is a form of meditation called, “loving kindness”. A Buddhist practice, although can be viewed more as a prayer or form of affirmation if that resonates better. It starts off by repeating a group of sentences that are focused on oneself, then moves to a loved one, then an acquaintance, then someone with whom one has conflict, before ending with the general population. The sentences are often simple in nature, and not too wordy making it easy to remember. There are many guided meditations online (such as this one) that walk you through it. As with any guided meditation or mindfulness practice, simply notice without judgment if and when thoughts wander and gently bring them back. 

The words to this mediation, by WiseMindBody with Josh Wise, are:

May I be happy.

May I be well.

May I be  comfortable and at peace. 

If the words don’t fit for you, tweak it to your liking, however try to follow the same structure of  “May I be…”. 

There are many things I like about doing this mediation. I find comfort in the simplicity and quickness of it. I’ve been “other focused” lately, I welcome the opportunity to say something kind to myself. I enjoy thinking of the acquaintances (the mailman, the barista at the coffee shop, the individual asking for change on the street, the waiter/waitress) and taking a moment to wish them well.  As hard as it can be, I also appreciate the encouragement to think something kind towards those I have conflict with. There’s a gradual softening that takes place. By ending with the wider population, it makes me simultaneously feel big for being part of something larger than myself and smalI in that I am one of billions. Time wise, the mediation takes roughly 10 minutes. 

I encourage you to give loving kindness a try. Find a quiet room and moment to work through the guided meditation. If you don’t connect with the one I’ve linked above, look online to find the words and tone that calms you. Remember to be compassionate towards yourself when your mind wanders or if you’re clouded by judgmental thoughts. Give yourself permission to notice them versus having to react or respond. Hold onto these words of loving kindness as you go about your day. May you be filled with loving kindness. 

Mine, Your's and God's Business

I recently learned a concept that has helped with understanding and implementing assertiveness and boundaries, as well as decreasing anxiety and frustration around attempting to change things we have no control over. It’s called, “The Three Types of Business”, by Byron Katie. 

Essentially, there are three types of business: God’s, your’s (other’s) and mine. If you don’t believe in God, think of it as something bigger than or outside of humanity. God’s business includes things humanity does not have control over, such as, your height, physicality, what era and family you were born into, the weather, sickness, life or death. Your/other’s business is how other people choose to make sense of their life story. This includes their actions, behaviour, beliefs and political stance. My business is similar to your business however pertains to myself. So, how I make sense of my world, deal with my issues, my spiritual and politics stance. We often get upset/frustrated/annoyed when we try to control God’s and the business of other people. 

Here is an example. As I write this, snow is blowing horizontally across my window, visibility is low as is the contrast of the outside world which has only shades of white and grey present. It looks cold and icy out. I’m aware that I’m a little annoyed and disappointed with myself that I didn’t buy chocolate chips and milk when I was at the store yesterday. I will have to brave the elements later today if I want to make muffins tomorrow. The stores will be closed tomorrow for a holiday. I think about having to drive, distrusting other people’s driving abilities in weather like this. I take pride in coming form the North where snowy weather is the norm.  The fact that stores are always busy before a holiday also results in poor parking lot etiquette. I smirk a little thinking back to a time when someone passive-aggressively drove by me and said, “dip-shit” as I was walking across the pedestrian cross walk of a parking lot. It had been a very long time since I had heard that expression. 

Here’s what I don’t have and what I do have control over in the above situation. I have zero control over the fact it’s a stormy winter day out, that it’s the eve of a holiday, that I live in an era and city where cars, big chain grocery stores and parking lots exist versus small town shops or horse and buggies. Nor, do I have control in how other people drive or the expressions they use to manage their frustrations. I do have control over whether I go to the store, how I get there (by foot or car, sadly I don’t have a horse), what time I go today (peak times or when it’s quieter), and if I respond assertively, passive-aggressively or something neutral. 

Now, think about the bigger, harder, more painful issues in life. It can be hard to understand or make sense of sickness, death or trauma. It can feel incredibly frustrating to have people you care about think and behave in a way that is detrimental to their health, happiness and relationships. It is easy to get sucked into thinking one can change people’s opinions or beliefs, or that if you do everything “right" it will somehow avoid the pains of death/illness that is a part of the human condition. Acceptance of only being able to control your own business is an important practice. Remembering this, decreases feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. These situations can still be painful, but engaging and accepting “my business” decreases suffering. It presents a different way to navigate the experience. After all, as much as one might try, want or think they can, one truly can’t make the snow storm stop happening, have certain family members/friends/clients think less destructively, make past traumatic experience somehow not occur or bring back to life someone dearly loved, as much as one would like that to happen. It’s tempting to want to think we can control these things, but we can’t. Thinking we can control everything, but it’s a cognitive fallacy. 

Using your voice and actions to manage your own business might not result in other’s respecting or listening to what you are trying to establish. You can’t control what they do with your assertiveness or needs. You can control what you do with their response though. Maybe you choose to not hang out with that person as often, or are more cautious in what you share with them. Maybe you choose to let the issue slide or implement a consequence that’s more drastic. There’s power in acknowledging and advocating for yourself, even if the best case scenario doesn’t occur from doing so. 

I invite you to reflect on who’s business you are trying to control. See what happens when you step out of God’s business as well as that of other’s and focus on your own. In some ways, it reflects the serenity prayer - focusing on what you can and can’t change, and the wisdom and empowerment of knowing the difference. 

Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2019

It’s Eating Disorders Awareness Week (EDAW). And, as a result, a lot of emotions come up. I write because I want to make room for all of it. The pain, the sadness, the passion, the determination, the guilt, the shame, the excitement, the envy, the nervousness, the encouragement, the hope, the fear, the pride… Whatever the emotion, it’s all okay and there’s a place for it within (and outside of) this week. Why? Because, that’s a huge piece of what recovery is all about. Awareness and acceptance. Realizing you are where you are and you’re doing the best that you can (while also maybe being able to do better). That where you were last (EDAW) is not a testament of where you’ll be this year or where you’ll be in ten years. It’s just where you are now. Maybe you (or your loved one) is struggling this year whereas last year you were leading the fight. Maybe you’ve recently decided to give recovery a shot or maybe you’ve taken a break on the mountain of recovery. Wherever you are, you matter. Your life, your voice, your experience, it matters and it’s an important piece of this week. It’s all part of the recovery journey. And, it’s messy and raw. It’s filled with moments of incredibly joy while also moments of deep sorrow and grief. 

This year, I encourage everyone to take stalk of what their needs during the week and to act in a way that practices self-care and compassion. Perhaps, it means saying,“No” to an event here or there versus trying to catch them all (check out NEDIC or the WWEDC for EDAW events near you). Maybe it means practicing opposite action by going to an event, challenging the shame that says you “can’t” because you’re struggling. Reflect on the emotions that get invoked this week and talk about them, if you can, with a friend, with a therapist, with a nurse, with a co-patient, with a family member.  And, if you can’t, notice that. Register that there’s something that’s getting in the way of that versus ignoring it. Maybe, a time will come where you will want to reach out. And, if there’s one thing that is evident about this week, there is a lot of people (professionally and non-professionally) who want to journey along side you regardless of where you are in your recovery. To spread (and at times hold) the hope that there is life in recovery from an eating disorder. 

"Rules" First, Then Flexibility

A disclaimer that the first bit of this post does talk about faith and religion. If reading about religion bothers you, replace religion/faith with academia/school as the concept will still apply. 

Years ago, someone once told me, “every now and then, you need to empty out your religious cup to figure out what you need to put back into it”. Essentially, not everything one learns will continue to have meaning, apply, or hold true as time goes by and one matures in their faith or understanding. Many people have a tendency to throw the baby out with the bath water. Take the time, do the work, to sort out what is important to intentionally take with you.

Fast forward to this past summer. I found myself having a conversation with someone about my frustrations of black and white thinking that religion can sometimes bring, and did bring for many years of my life. They then reminded me that one cannot simply be in the grey right off the bat.  There’s a need to learn the “rules” first. Then, after having a good foundation, one can learn to sift through the complexities of life, which will ultimately challenge rigid thinking. This made sense. 

Another way to think about it is thinking about our school experiences growing up. We start off in elementary school.  Then, we graduate and go into high school to build off what we’ve learned in the years prior. Some continue to post secondary education where critical thinking is fostered and encouraged, and an even more in-depth study and diversification on subject matters occurs. Each stages of learning builds off the learnings prior. You can’t go on to do quadratic equations without first knowing about the rules of addition or multiplication, right? Right!

Recovery is similar. There is a learning (or re-learning) that must occur around building a healthier relationship with food, weight, exercise, relationships, body-image, family dynamics, coping mechanisms, and so on. This period is important, and the specifics around implementation can look different amongst individuals. There is, however, life past the intense treatment regiments that are often needed to help you get back on track. It’s hard to learn how to be flexibility when building a foundation for recovery when the eating disorders is quite sneaky and slippery, never mind sorting out who’s motivation/values/thoughts is who’s, etc.

In faith, recovery, and many other facets of how this concept can apply, people can stay stuck in the early teachings and rules. There is a degree of freedom there. I don’t want to deny that. My early days/years of recovery, and the periods where I needed to be particular about what and how I ate were way better and more flexible than when I was in the throws of my eating disorder. There is, however, greater freedom past this. Sometimes, there is a need to return to the foundational pieces, and that’s okay too! Recovery, faith, life are not linear experiences. Everyday we make decisions that either move us towards or away the values we hold within these experiences. As scary as it can be to dip your toe into the unknown or flexibilities of greys, it can also be rewarding (remember, both things can be equally true!)

Take a second to think about where you could or would like to grow in your recovery (or faith). Then, try talking to your therapist about what you could do or how you could experiment with getting to know the greys.