Coping with COVID-19

It’s the weekend. I look outside my window and there aren’t any cars on the street. There should be cars on this street. Lots of them. A lot has happened in the last two weeks that has greatly impacted how we live our lives. From how we shop to if and where we go to work. Then, there’s the mandatory quarantines for travellers and social distancing regulations. There isn’t much else on the news other than information regarding COVID-19. It’s been a lot to digest on all levels. Here are a few reminders to help cope during this time.  

#1 Give Space for Emotions

It’s okay to feel what you feel right now. Fear, anger, disappointment, gratitude, sadness, interest, relief, anticipation, sorrow, guilt, happiness - it’s all okay! Remember, we have never been through something like this in our lifetime and with information coming at us as quickly as it has been, it’s hard to keep up. It can feel like a cognitive and emotional roller-coaster. Give space for your emotions. It takes up too much energy not too. 

#2 Control What You Can 

Remember January’s post on Mine, Your’s and God’s Business? It’s a great time to apply this concept.  We only have control over our own actions. We can’t make people wash their hands or obey quarantine rules, nor can we control the fact the virus exists. We can control, however, if and for how long we wash our own hands (20 seconds with soap) and how we practice social distancing. It will drive you bonkers trying to control what other people are or aren’t doing. Focusing on what you can builds a sense of control versus helplessness or hopelessness. 

#3 Loving Kindness Meditation 

February’s post also comes in handy right now. Take some time throughout each day to stop and say a prayer/meditation on loving kindness for yourself, someone you love, an acquaintance, someone you have conflict with and the population as a whole. I, especially, like this last point as we are truly in this together right now. May we be happy, may we be well. 

Doing something kind for someone else can also make one feel good.  It’s a great way of turning outward versus focusing on one’s own experiences. Get creative! There are many opportunities (big and small) to pass on kindness. 

#4 Basic Needs

Remember your 5 basic needs - physical, social, emotional, spiritual and mental? Whether you’re an essential service worker, working from home or currently unemployed, find ways to get these needs met. It’s critical for maintaining health and wellness in the long run. It might look different from how you would have met them before the pandemic, although you might be surprised by the welcomed change. Create some sort of schedule and routine as it can bring about normalcy and comfort. 

#5 Living with Risk and Uncertainty 

Living with OCD, I’ve had to learn to accept and tolerate risk and uncertainty in my life. It is an ongoing concept I have to practice. As much as I want concrete answers and timelines right now, I have to tolerate that I might not get them. Life requires me to engage with risk and uncertainty, otherwise there’s a hazard of becoming immobilized and isolated. I can do what I can to follow protocols and procedures that are put in place to reduce risk. After that, the rest is out of my hands. I have to let go. What will happen will happen (there’s our good DBT friend radical acceptance again).  

I end with the reminder that nothing lasts forever. Life is constantly changing and evolving. I don’t know what the future holds, however it won’t always look like how it does now. Feel what you feel, control what you can, say a prayer or meditation and meet your needs while you live amongst the risks and uncertainties that today and tomorrow brings. Look for the many positives and moments that make you smile. They still exist, it just might look a little different than what you were used to. 

Thinking of you all, keep well. 

I Gotta Get This Post Up - Taking Time to Rest

I’m currently sitting in a café. I’m a few paragraphs in on a piece about the importance of critical thinking and learning to find one’s voice when my thoughts start wandering. If I’m honest, they’ve been wandering for awhile. I notice annoyance emerge as well as anxiety about the possibility that I might not have anything to post by my self-imposed deadline. I welcome any distraction that comes my way - a text, social media, drinking my coffee, people watching, the falling snow, writing on another project. I should be productive during this time. It’s my time to use however I want, and I want to be using it for writing because I know the rest of my week will contain little time for it. I’m tired. Actually, I’m really, really tired. I’m frustrated that my energy doesn’t align with my free time. Yet, this is my reality. 

I recall a few skills I could use. From Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, I can apply radical acceptance. After all, it is what it is; I’m tired in my free time because I’m tired in my free time; my thoughts are wandering because my thoughts are wandering. There’s freedom in acceptance. I notice a slight lightening in my body and chest when I lean into acceptance versus trying to fight against it. If I don’t get a post up in time, I don’t get a post up in time. 

The next skill I can practice is self-compassion and a little Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I can remind myself that it’s okay that I might miss my deadline even though I don’t want to. I can soothe my anxious thoughts and frustrations with warmhearted words - my worth is  defined by much more than meeting deadlines. I could take a few minutes to do a guided loving kindness meditation if I can’t come up these words on my own. 

I can also listen to my body and rest. I recently saw a post on social media on nine forms of rest. It confirms what a new mom once said to me, “rest doesn’t always mean sleep”. It can take the form of doing something unproductive or  taking a break from responsibility. Sometimes I’m surprised how much my energy levels and clarity improve by simply taking 30 minutes to watch a T.V. show or go for a walk around the block. 

Another option is to switch gears and write about something totally different, or come back to this task at another time. It can help to be flexible, a skill I continually need to practice. No one is making me do this, I choose to write because I enjoy it and find it therapeutic. While I think it’s important to foster critical thinking skills, I can come back to that post when the mood, inspiration and energy level return for the themes of that piece. I also give myself permission to not write at all right now if I so choose. 

On that note, I’m going to end this post. Before I do, I invite you to practice some radical acceptance, self-compassion, rest and flexibility when energy levels are low, rigidity is high and the inner critic is rearing its head. What do you do in times to manage self-imposed (or other imposed) deadlines and goals that don’t meet up with energy levels or interest? How do you rest? 

Loving Kindness

I’ve had a lot going on in my life recently. My thoughts are scattered and my attention is pulled in countless directions. I’m not as mindful or in the moment as I’d like to be and have to deliberately bring myself back into the moment from endless “to do” items. Amidst the aforementioned thoughts that occupy my mind, I’m also curious about human nature; why I do what I don’t want to do and why I don’t do what I want to do. I’ve been thinking a lot about kindness lately. I’ve struggled at various times with both giving as well as receiving it. It doesn’t always come easily to me and can take effort and intention that I often don’t feel I have. Yet, it is a practice and value I want to continue taking steps towards. 

There is a form of meditation called, “loving kindness”. A Buddhist practice, although can be viewed more as a prayer or form of affirmation if that resonates better. It starts off by repeating a group of sentences that are focused on oneself, then moves to a loved one, then an acquaintance, then someone with whom one has conflict, before ending with the general population. The sentences are often simple in nature, and not too wordy making it easy to remember. There are many guided meditations online (such as this one) that walk you through it. As with any guided meditation or mindfulness practice, simply notice without judgment if and when thoughts wander and gently bring them back. 

The words to this mediation, by WiseMindBody with Josh Wise, are:

May I be happy.

May I be well.

May I be  comfortable and at peace. 

If the words don’t fit for you, tweak it to your liking, however try to follow the same structure of  “May I be…”. 

There are many things I like about doing this mediation. I find comfort in the simplicity and quickness of it. I’ve been “other focused” lately, I welcome the opportunity to say something kind to myself. I enjoy thinking of the acquaintances (the mailman, the barista at the coffee shop, the individual asking for change on the street, the waiter/waitress) and taking a moment to wish them well.  As hard as it can be, I also appreciate the encouragement to think something kind towards those I have conflict with. There’s a gradual softening that takes place. By ending with the wider population, it makes me simultaneously feel big for being part of something larger than myself and smalI in that I am one of billions. Time wise, the mediation takes roughly 10 minutes. 

I encourage you to give loving kindness a try. Find a quiet room and moment to work through the guided meditation. If you don’t connect with the one I’ve linked above, look online to find the words and tone that calms you. Remember to be compassionate towards yourself when your mind wanders or if you’re clouded by judgmental thoughts. Give yourself permission to notice them versus having to react or respond. Hold onto these words of loving kindness as you go about your day. May you be filled with loving kindness. 

Mine, Your's and God's Business

I recently learned a concept that has helped with understanding and implementing assertiveness and boundaries, as well as decreasing anxiety and frustration around attempting to change things we have no control over. It’s called, “The Three Types of Business”, by Byron Katie. 

Essentially, there are three types of business: God’s, your’s (other’s) and mine. If you don’t believe in God, think of it as something bigger than or outside of humanity. God’s business includes things humanity does not have control over, such as, your height, physicality, what era and family you were born into, the weather, sickness, life or death. Your/other’s business is how other people choose to make sense of their life story. This includes their actions, behaviour, beliefs and political stance. My business is similar to your business however pertains to myself. So, how I make sense of my world, deal with my issues, my spiritual and politics stance. We often get upset/frustrated/annoyed when we try to control God’s and the business of other people. 

Here is an example. As I write this, snow is blowing horizontally across my window, visibility is low as is the contrast of the outside world which has only shades of white and grey present. It looks cold and icy out. I’m aware that I’m a little annoyed and disappointed with myself that I didn’t buy chocolate chips and milk when I was at the store yesterday. I will have to brave the elements later today if I want to make muffins tomorrow. The stores will be closed tomorrow for a holiday. I think about having to drive, distrusting other people’s driving abilities in weather like this. I take pride in coming form the North where snowy weather is the norm.  The fact that stores are always busy before a holiday also results in poor parking lot etiquette. I smirk a little thinking back to a time when someone passive-aggressively drove by me and said, “dip-shit” as I was walking across the pedestrian cross walk of a parking lot. It had been a very long time since I had heard that expression. 

Here’s what I don’t have and what I do have control over in the above situation. I have zero control over the fact it’s a stormy winter day out, that it’s the eve of a holiday, that I live in an era and city where cars, big chain grocery stores and parking lots exist versus small town shops or horse and buggies. Nor, do I have control in how other people drive or the expressions they use to manage their frustrations. I do have control over whether I go to the store, how I get there (by foot or car, sadly I don’t have a horse), what time I go today (peak times or when it’s quieter), and if I respond assertively, passive-aggressively or something neutral. 

Now, think about the bigger, harder, more painful issues in life. It can be hard to understand or make sense of sickness, death or trauma. It can feel incredibly frustrating to have people you care about think and behave in a way that is detrimental to their health, happiness and relationships. It is easy to get sucked into thinking one can change people’s opinions or beliefs, or that if you do everything “right" it will somehow avoid the pains of death/illness that is a part of the human condition. Acceptance of only being able to control your own business is an important practice. Remembering this, decreases feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. These situations can still be painful, but engaging and accepting “my business” decreases suffering. It presents a different way to navigate the experience. After all, as much as one might try, want or think they can, one truly can’t make the snow storm stop happening, have certain family members/friends/clients think less destructively, make past traumatic experience somehow not occur or bring back to life someone dearly loved, as much as one would like that to happen. It’s tempting to want to think we can control these things, but we can’t. Thinking we can control everything, but it’s a cognitive fallacy. 

Using your voice and actions to manage your own business might not result in other’s respecting or listening to what you are trying to establish. You can’t control what they do with your assertiveness or needs. You can control what you do with their response though. Maybe you choose to not hang out with that person as often, or are more cautious in what you share with them. Maybe you choose to let the issue slide or implement a consequence that’s more drastic. There’s power in acknowledging and advocating for yourself, even if the best case scenario doesn’t occur from doing so. 

I invite you to reflect on who’s business you are trying to control. See what happens when you step out of God’s business as well as that of other’s and focus on your own. In some ways, it reflects the serenity prayer - focusing on what you can and can’t change, and the wisdom and empowerment of knowing the difference. 

Values

We all have values. You know, those standards we try to live according to. They are the areas we give importance to. There are tons of them: independence, health, creativity, self-acceptance, God's will, growth, knowledge, strength, stability, adventure, kindness, world peace, reliability and so on.   Have you thought about what your values are? Here are a few things to consider. 

Where to Start? 

It can be hard to think off the top of your head what it is that you value. Luckily, thanks to the internet, there are lists and lists of values already laid out. The Personal Value Care Sort exercise (W.R. Miller, J. C’de Baca, D.B. Matthews, P.L. Wilbourne, University of New Mexico, 2001) is great for helping sort through your values by putting them in one of the following three categories: very important to me, important to me or not important to me. What l like about this exercise is that it demonstrates how not all values are ranked the same in terms of importance. This knowledge can help in times when values compete.  More on that in a bit. I always find it interesting that everyone's columns are filled differently. After completing the exercise, was there anything that surprised you? Were there some values of importance to you that you have been neglecting? Was there a time in your life when you were more aligned? If yes, what was different? 

Our emotions are important sources of information. They are trying to communicate something to us. Next time, when you’re feeling guilty, unsettled or angry, stop and think if there is a value that’s been breached. This can help to identify what it is that’s of importance to you. Do you feel unsettled when running late? It could mean you value punctuality or reliability. Angry when someone keeps doing things for you that you think is reasonable to do for yourself? Maybe you value independence. 

Sometimes They Compete and/or Contradict.

Humans hold many different values, and sometimes, two values that are both important, compete. For example, one may value health (sleep) as well as reliability. For many, sleep is often sacrificed in order to get an assignment or presentation done on time. Some may find ways to honour both (working ahead, delegating, etc). While others may take the hit grade wise in order to stay rested.

It is also possible to hold contradictory values, which can lead to cognitive dissonance (mental discomfort by holding two contradictory values). This is where DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) does a great job in advocating that two opposing things can be equally true.  Just because your values are contradictory does not mean they (or you) are wrong. It is completely possible to value being social while also valuing solitude. When cognitive dissonance is present, try practicing radical acceptance, reminding yourself that "you are doing the best you can” and "it is what it is". 

What’s Getting in the Way of Living According to Your Values?

Sometimes acting according to one’s values is hard! There are many influences and factors that play into why one does or doesn’t do this. Having a sense of awareness to the barriers present is an important step as it then allows you the opportunity to come up with a different approach or plan. 

It can be helpful to think about how someone who is living according to value “X” would act, behave, think, carry themselves, engage, etc. Then, attempt to do the same. “Act as if” or “mimic” these behaviours until it becomes more natural or normal. If you value self-acceptance, people are likely showing themselves compassion and kindness (in words and actions). Start doing the same. It can also be helpful to have your values written down or typed out for you to see throughout the day. 

Sometimes They Aren't the Same as Other’s.

Relationships can be difficult when the players within it hold different values. Of course, us humans, like snowflakes, are made up of differing values and beliefs. This doesn't mean we can't be in relationship with someone who doesn't value what we value, however, it does mean we will need to learn how to navigate these differences. Usually, we can learn a lot from these differences. Other times, the differences are too great and can be deal breakers within the relationship (such as if one person values monogamy whereas another person is wanting an open relationship). Having a third party, such as a therapist, can be helpful when trying to navigate these differences. 

They Can Act as Anchors Admits Change/Uncertainty.

Life can feel pretty uncertain at times. There are many seasons of change that occur, some that leave us feeling untethered. The neat thing about values is that they go with you wherever you go. Yes, values can change over the course of time or experiences, however they are pretty constant pieces of ourselves. You typically don’t wake up one morning, all of a sudden, hating the value of fairness or creativity. Learn to trust this part of you and do your best to act according to them, especially in times of uncertainty. 

We Feel Better When We Live According to Them.

Think about the times you acted in a way that was consistent with your values. Now recall a time when you didn’t. How did you feel? Likely, there’s a difference. If honesty is of high importance to you, it makes sense that you would feel unsettled after we told a lie. Keep this in mind, especially when it's tough to do so. Play the tape/situation forward and imagine how you'd react/feel by following or not following your values.   

Progress? That' Not What the Scale Says!

First of all, if you're stepping on a scale... get off it (click here to read why scales aren't a helpful or healthy).   Just like the number on the scale isn't an accurate measurement of health, so is it with progress. Pretty counter-cultural right? We've been so brain washed to think that the only thing that matters is how much weight you've gained or lost. Forget the healthy lifestyle... forget the long term change or its sustainability.  There is a tendency to solely focus on the number, instead of all the other benefits of working towards a healthier relationship with food, weight, exercise, etc.  Whatever the number on the scale, or if you've stopped weighing yourself already, you can still see the benefits of building a healthier lifestyle as the following examples show*: 

Emotions - When you get back to eating 3 balanced meals and a few snacks per day, you will likely notice a difference with your emotions/mood.  Ever notice when you don't eat enough how you become more agitated than normal? Or, when you've eaten too much, feelings of guilt or shame emerge? A sign of progress is when emotions and food/weight are not so closely linked.  In the beginning stages, as you learn to trust normalized eating, set-point, and a healthy exercise routine, you may experience uncomfortable or distressing emotions. By using skills learned in therapy and following a healthy meal plan and exercise routine, you can learn to tolerate and cope with such difficult emotions, if not experience an elevation in mood.

Energy Level & Stamina - Just as mood improves, as does your energy level.  By giving your body the proper type and amount of fuel during the day, you will have more energy throughout it. You won't be in a food coma, nor be completely exhausted. You may even notice that you can exercise for longer periods of time, and/or know when to finish so you don't overdue it out of compulsively or 'need'. 

Sleep - Sleep can also be interferred with when one does not get the right type and/or amount of food/exercise. You won't wake up to feelings of hunger or indigestion from eating too little or too much of something. You will also get a better quality of sleep when you move your body throughout the day, instead of being immobile. A better quality of sleep is another sign of progress. 

Flexibility - Rigidity around food and exercise is quite common in those who struggle with food/weight/exercise issues. A sign of progress is when you catch yourself adjusting to those moments when 'life gets in the way' without having a melt down. You won't follow rules like, "I'll just double up on exercise tomorrow" when the gym closes unexpectedly or if you've eaten more than you wanted at a birthday party. You will experience flexibility mentally and emotionally as you build a healthier lifestyle. 

Balance - This is a big one.  What I mean by balance is looking at your life holistically, and making sure you are paying attention to each aspect of it.  For example, are you spending time with your friends? Connecting spiritually? Physically getting enough exercise? Emotionally are you getting your needs met? What about mentally? Another sign of progress is making sure you aren't spread too thin and are using a variety of supports to help sustain your holistic health.  

Medical Issues - Building a healthy relationship with food/weight/exercise can also effect things like cholesterol levels, blood pressure and so on. 

The above are excellent ways in concretely seeing both benefits and movements as you work towards building and then maintaining a healthy lifestyle.... much more informative than just a number wouldn't you say?

*Keep in mind that other illnesses/diagnosis can effect the above.  It is important to consult your medical and health team whenever you make changes regarding your health and wellness. This list is not exhaustive.