It’s the weekend. I look outside my window and there aren’t any cars on the street. There should be cars on this street. Lots of them. A lot has happened in the last two weeks that has greatly impacted how we live our lives. From how we shop to if and where we go to work. Then, there’s the mandatory quarantines for travellers and social distancing regulations. There isn’t much else on the news other than information regarding COVID-19. It’s been a lot to digest on all levels. Here are a few reminders to help cope during this time.

#1 Give Space for Emotions

It’s okay to feel what you feel right now. Fear, anger, disappointment, gratitude, sadness, interest, relief, anticipation, sorrow, guilt, happiness - it’s all okay! Remember, we have never been through something like this in our lifetime and with information coming at us as quickly as it has been, it’s hard to keep up. It can feel like a cognitive and emotional roller-coaster. Give space for your emotions. It takes up too much energy not too.

#2 Control What You Can

Remember January’s post on Mine, Your’s and God’s Business? It’s a great time to apply this concept. We only have control over our own actions. We can’t make people wash their hands or obey quarantine rules, nor can we control the fact the virus exists. We can control, however, if and for how long we wash our own hands (20 seconds with soap) and how we practice social distancing. It will drive you bonkers trying to control what other people are or aren’t doing. Focusing on what you can builds a sense of control versus helplessness or hopelessness.

#3 Loving Kindness Meditation

February’s post also comes in handy right now. Take some time throughout each day to stop and say a prayer/meditation on loving kindness for yourself, someone you love, an acquaintance, someone you have conflict with and the population as a whole. I, especially, like this last point as we are truly in this together right now. May we be happy, may we be well.

Doing something kind for someone else can also make one feel good. It’s a great way of turning outward versus focusing on one’s own experiences. Get creative! There are many opportunities (big and small) to pass on kindness.

#4 Basic Needs

Remember your 5 basic needs - physical, social, emotional, spiritual and mental? Whether you’re an essential service worker, working from home or currently unemployed, find ways to get these needs met. It’s critical for maintaining health and wellness in the long run. It might look different from how you would have met them before the pandemic, although you might be surprised by the welcomed change. Create some sort of schedule and routine as it can bring about normalcy and comfort.

#5 Living with Risk and Uncertainty

Living with OCD, I’ve had to learn to accept and tolerate risk and uncertainty in my life. It is an ongoing concept I have to practice. As much as I want concrete answers and timelines right now, I have to tolerate that I might not get them. Life requires me to engage with risk and uncertainty, otherwise there’s a hazard of becoming immobilized and isolated. I can do what I can to follow protocols and procedures that are put in place to reduce risk. After that, the rest is out of my hands. I have to let go. What will happen will happen (there’s our good DBT friend radical acceptance again).

I end with the reminder that nothing lasts forever. Life is constantly changing and evolving. I don’t know what the future holds, however it won’t always look like how it does now. Feel what you feel, control what you can, say a prayer or meditation and meet your needs while you live amongst the risks and uncertainties that today and tomorrow brings. Look for the many positives and moments that make you smile. They still exist, it just might look a little different than what you were used to.

Thinking of you all, keep well.

Lately, in session, I’ve been talking with numerous clients about whether or not thoughts define us, as well as various biases humans are susceptible to that often keep us stuck cognitively. I thought it could be useful to address them both today.

Do our thoughts define us?

I’ve been quite open about the fact I have obsessive compulsive disorder. Simply put, one experiences obsessions (intrusive thoughts) and compulsions (behaviours to manage the obsessions). Thoughts of killing my family would flood my mind. At the time, I had no idea what was happening, or that it was a mental illness. I thought because I was experiencing these thoughts, they must say something about who I am. I thought I was a horrible human being, a daughter who should never be trusted, evil, and so on.

It took a long time in therapy, to get to the realization that my thoughts didn’t have to define me. That thoughts could just be thoughts. That I didn’t have to put a “value” on them as either good or bad. My being didn’t have to be in question just because something popped into my mind. Every thought did not need to be an internalization of who I was or am.

Capability also doesn’t define one’s worth or value. I wanted to believe that I could never be capable of hurting/killing the one’s I love (or other humans around me). I used to think that because I “thought” it, this somehow made me more capable. The truth is, we all have the ability to cause harm. Capability, just like thoughts, however does not automatically mean one will do it or that they want to do it.

Now, let’s just say, I have thoughts about myself that I don’t like. Perhaps, it’s a worldview or core belief. It is possible to change the way one thinks. Neuroplasticity is real! It’s helpful to take stalk of what drives our behaviour as well as how we think/feel about ourselves and others. With practice, we can go from changing negative self-worth into positive self-worth. From not believing recovery is possible, to having hope that it is and so on.

Okay, so, let’s agree that thoughts don’t have to define us. That one can let them come and go (I know this is easy to say. Practice is needed.) without having a value attached to them. The next part of this blog will explore are ability to take information in and the biases that shape our perceptions.

There are many different biases and cognitive theories that shape how we take in informaiton. I’m going to focus on two: selective attention and confirmation bias.

Selective attention occurs all the time. There’s a lot of information/stimuli out there, that we can’t take it all in at once. So, we have to filter the information, and usually, it’s the most relevant information.

Try this exercise.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJG698U2Mvo

The potential problem with selective attention is that we might miss some really important information (or gorillas!) that may be beneficial in moving us forward in recovery.

Confirmation bias results when we only pay attention to information/stimuli that confirms what you already think. An example would be if you have an eating disorder, and don’t think you’re sick. You might only pay attention to, and take in, the information that confirms or is consistent with this belief. It does not mean that there is not information out there that challenges this belief (ie: medical complications, social limitation, anxieties around food/weight/body image, ED behaviours, etc), but you aren’t giving it much thought/weight as it challenges your belief.

How does talking about bias and selective attention relate to the piece about thoughts defining who we are? If we don’t think highly of ourselves, we will continue to selectively pay attention to information and stimulus that confirms this belief, despite there being a plethora of information to the contrary. If we don’t think we can recovery, we will constantly take in information that keeps us stuck. If you think no one loves you, you might look past the positive relationships in your life.

So, what to do? As always, I’d encourage you do connect with a therapist in trying to figure some of this out. Experiment with being mindful of what goes on in your day, as well as your thoughts and reactions. Take stalk of what people are saying and how many people are saying it. Do you react more to one piece of information than another? When someone gives you a compliment, instead of brushing it off, take a second to hear it and recognize that your need to discount it might be you falling into confirmation bias. In some ways, this is what CBT thought records, or DBT’s Wise Mind, is trying to get you to do. To see another perspective. Experiment with opening the door a little. There just might be another angle to see.