Brrr! It’s Getting Cold Outside: Preparing for Winter with COVID

As people living in Canada, it’s commonplace to talk about the weather. “It’s a cold one out there, eh,” “This weather really gets into your bones,” and “It’s so hot you can fry an egg out there” are to be expected when riding on an elevator or making chit chat while standing in line as you wait to order a coffee. Approaching this winter season, I hear similar comments. What’s different though, is an accompanying sense of dread linked to the restrictions put in place to help slow the spread of COVID-19. Understandably. Here are a few suggestions that might help navigate the next few months. 

Give Yourself Some Compassion. Give yourself permission to grieve. In many ways, we have been doing that for the better part of 2020. It has been tough. There is no denying that. It’s okay to be sad and angry. Acknowledge and validate these feelings. Breathe in the pain of this past year and then breathe out loving kindness to those around you. 

Expect Things to Be Different This Year. Go into this season knowing it is unlike any other. Try to let go of the expectation that the holidays* and winter months need to look how they’ve always looked. Some experiences will run their normal course and some will not. Be open to new things and don’t worry about it needing to be a complete success. 

Practice Hygge. I have a co-worker that is all about Hygge. Come winter, she embraces the Danish lifestyle of coziness and contentment. Think of thick faux-fur lined knee high slipper socks, hot chocolate in a ceramic mug with marshmallows, the crackling of wood burning in a fireplace, a beige knitted blanket, snow landing on the outside window sill, a spiced candle flickering in its holder on the side table next to a favourite book. Perhaps, I just described your nightmare. It’s different for everyone and that is completely okay. Make that bowl of popcorn. Turn off the lights and watch that favourite movie. Bake cookies, bread or cook that nostalgic stew your gramma would make when you were a child. Spend some time in your workshop surrounded by the scent of lumber. Play board games within your household or D&D online with friends. Puzzle while listening to an audiobook. Draw or colour. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to enjoy the simple things in life. 

Buy Snowpants. There’s a Scandinavian philosophy that says, “There’s no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothes.” From what we know in terms of safe socializing, being outside in small numbers is recommended. Put on that toque, buy snow pants, pull on warm winter boots, go to a second hand store to buy a winter jacket, put on layers. We know it’s going to be cold. Snow is expected. Being dressed for the weather will help you be able to be in the weather. A Swedish friend recently said to me, “If you wait for good weather in Sweden, you’ll never get out.” Experiment with challenging your idea of perfect weather by safely going for walks in the falling snow, grab that raincoat and rubber boots to navigate sleet and slush, wear lights on your jacket as you stroll beside your friend on those dark early mornings and evenings visits. 

My mind returns to the DBT skill of intentionally creating positive experiences. Pair this with radical acceptance of it is what it is and we might just get through this winter. One way or the other, spring will come. Crocuses and daffodils will emerge as the snow melts. 

*The holidays are not always experienced with joy and cheer. For many, it is lonely and difficult. Please reach out if you are in crisis by contacting Here 24/7 or visit your local emergency department. 

Loving Kindness

I’ve had a lot going on in my life recently. My thoughts are scattered and my attention is pulled in countless directions. I’m not as mindful or in the moment as I’d like to be and have to deliberately bring myself back into the moment from endless “to do” items. Amidst the aforementioned thoughts that occupy my mind, I’m also curious about human nature; why I do what I don’t want to do and why I don’t do what I want to do. I’ve been thinking a lot about kindness lately. I’ve struggled at various times with both giving as well as receiving it. It doesn’t always come easily to me and can take effort and intention that I often don’t feel I have. Yet, it is a practice and value I want to continue taking steps towards. 

There is a form of meditation called, “loving kindness”. A Buddhist practice, although can be viewed more as a prayer or form of affirmation if that resonates better. It starts off by repeating a group of sentences that are focused on oneself, then moves to a loved one, then an acquaintance, then someone with whom one has conflict, before ending with the general population. The sentences are often simple in nature, and not too wordy making it easy to remember. There are many guided meditations online (such as this one) that walk you through it. As with any guided meditation or mindfulness practice, simply notice without judgment if and when thoughts wander and gently bring them back. 

The words to this mediation, by WiseMindBody with Josh Wise, are:

May I be happy.

May I be well.

May I be  comfortable and at peace. 

If the words don’t fit for you, tweak it to your liking, however try to follow the same structure of  “May I be…”. 

There are many things I like about doing this mediation. I find comfort in the simplicity and quickness of it. I’ve been “other focused” lately, I welcome the opportunity to say something kind to myself. I enjoy thinking of the acquaintances (the mailman, the barista at the coffee shop, the individual asking for change on the street, the waiter/waitress) and taking a moment to wish them well.  As hard as it can be, I also appreciate the encouragement to think something kind towards those I have conflict with. There’s a gradual softening that takes place. By ending with the wider population, it makes me simultaneously feel big for being part of something larger than myself and smalI in that I am one of billions. Time wise, the mediation takes roughly 10 minutes. 

I encourage you to give loving kindness a try. Find a quiet room and moment to work through the guided meditation. If you don’t connect with the one I’ve linked above, look online to find the words and tone that calms you. Remember to be compassionate towards yourself when your mind wanders or if you’re clouded by judgmental thoughts. Give yourself permission to notice them versus having to react or respond. Hold onto these words of loving kindness as you go about your day. May you be filled with loving kindness. 

Mine, Your's and God's Business

I recently learned a concept that has helped with understanding and implementing assertiveness and boundaries, as well as decreasing anxiety and frustration around attempting to change things we have no control over. It’s called, “The Three Types of Business”, by Byron Katie. 

Essentially, there are three types of business: God’s, your’s (other’s) and mine. If you don’t believe in God, think of it as something bigger than or outside of humanity. God’s business includes things humanity does not have control over, such as, your height, physicality, what era and family you were born into, the weather, sickness, life or death. Your/other’s business is how other people choose to make sense of their life story. This includes their actions, behaviour, beliefs and political stance. My business is similar to your business however pertains to myself. So, how I make sense of my world, deal with my issues, my spiritual and politics stance. We often get upset/frustrated/annoyed when we try to control God’s and the business of other people. 

Here is an example. As I write this, snow is blowing horizontally across my window, visibility is low as is the contrast of the outside world which has only shades of white and grey present. It looks cold and icy out. I’m aware that I’m a little annoyed and disappointed with myself that I didn’t buy chocolate chips and milk when I was at the store yesterday. I will have to brave the elements later today if I want to make muffins tomorrow. The stores will be closed tomorrow for a holiday. I think about having to drive, distrusting other people’s driving abilities in weather like this. I take pride in coming form the North where snowy weather is the norm.  The fact that stores are always busy before a holiday also results in poor parking lot etiquette. I smirk a little thinking back to a time when someone passive-aggressively drove by me and said, “dip-shit” as I was walking across the pedestrian cross walk of a parking lot. It had been a very long time since I had heard that expression. 

Here’s what I don’t have and what I do have control over in the above situation. I have zero control over the fact it’s a stormy winter day out, that it’s the eve of a holiday, that I live in an era and city where cars, big chain grocery stores and parking lots exist versus small town shops or horse and buggies. Nor, do I have control in how other people drive or the expressions they use to manage their frustrations. I do have control over whether I go to the store, how I get there (by foot or car, sadly I don’t have a horse), what time I go today (peak times or when it’s quieter), and if I respond assertively, passive-aggressively or something neutral. 

Now, think about the bigger, harder, more painful issues in life. It can be hard to understand or make sense of sickness, death or trauma. It can feel incredibly frustrating to have people you care about think and behave in a way that is detrimental to their health, happiness and relationships. It is easy to get sucked into thinking one can change people’s opinions or beliefs, or that if you do everything “right" it will somehow avoid the pains of death/illness that is a part of the human condition. Acceptance of only being able to control your own business is an important practice. Remembering this, decreases feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. These situations can still be painful, but engaging and accepting “my business” decreases suffering. It presents a different way to navigate the experience. After all, as much as one might try, want or think they can, one truly can’t make the snow storm stop happening, have certain family members/friends/clients think less destructively, make past traumatic experience somehow not occur or bring back to life someone dearly loved, as much as one would like that to happen. It’s tempting to want to think we can control these things, but we can’t. Thinking we can control everything, but it’s a cognitive fallacy. 

Using your voice and actions to manage your own business might not result in other’s respecting or listening to what you are trying to establish. You can’t control what they do with your assertiveness or needs. You can control what you do with their response though. Maybe you choose to not hang out with that person as often, or are more cautious in what you share with them. Maybe you choose to let the issue slide or implement a consequence that’s more drastic. There’s power in acknowledging and advocating for yourself, even if the best case scenario doesn’t occur from doing so. 

I invite you to reflect on who’s business you are trying to control. See what happens when you step out of God’s business as well as that of other’s and focus on your own. In some ways, it reflects the serenity prayer - focusing on what you can and can’t change, and the wisdom and empowerment of knowing the difference. 

Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2019

It’s Eating Disorders Awareness Week (EDAW). And, as a result, a lot of emotions come up. I write because I want to make room for all of it. The pain, the sadness, the passion, the determination, the guilt, the shame, the excitement, the envy, the nervousness, the encouragement, the hope, the fear, the pride… Whatever the emotion, it’s all okay and there’s a place for it within (and outside of) this week. Why? Because, that’s a huge piece of what recovery is all about. Awareness and acceptance. Realizing you are where you are and you’re doing the best that you can (while also maybe being able to do better). That where you were last (EDAW) is not a testament of where you’ll be this year or where you’ll be in ten years. It’s just where you are now. Maybe you (or your loved one) is struggling this year whereas last year you were leading the fight. Maybe you’ve recently decided to give recovery a shot or maybe you’ve taken a break on the mountain of recovery. Wherever you are, you matter. Your life, your voice, your experience, it matters and it’s an important piece of this week. It’s all part of the recovery journey. And, it’s messy and raw. It’s filled with moments of incredibly joy while also moments of deep sorrow and grief. 

This year, I encourage everyone to take stalk of what their needs during the week and to act in a way that practices self-care and compassion. Perhaps, it means saying,“No” to an event here or there versus trying to catch them all (check out NEDIC or the WWEDC for EDAW events near you). Maybe it means practicing opposite action by going to an event, challenging the shame that says you “can’t” because you’re struggling. Reflect on the emotions that get invoked this week and talk about them, if you can, with a friend, with a therapist, with a nurse, with a co-patient, with a family member.  And, if you can’t, notice that. Register that there’s something that’s getting in the way of that versus ignoring it. Maybe, a time will come where you will want to reach out. And, if there’s one thing that is evident about this week, there is a lot of people (professionally and non-professionally) who want to journey along side you regardless of where you are in your recovery. To spread (and at times hold) the hope that there is life in recovery from an eating disorder. 

3rd Printing of wiTHIN

It's hard to believe... but it's true.  We just received our third printing of wiTHIN... and it comes with some interesting changes. 

We are now using a different printing company in Toronto (TLAC). This company is pretty rad, as they take a part of their printing proceeds and writes a cheque (monthly!) to SickKids Patient Care, in part of the Foundation of Hope and Hospitals in Toronto, ON. So, in a way, when you buy a copy of wiTHIN, not only do you get some amazing art and read, you are also helping those in need! Cool, eh!?

Some others changes we made was including an ISBN number (looking official now people!), changed its size, as well as added quotes from various magazine articles and bloggers on the back cover. It has been such a humbling experience to receive encouragement and support from various avenues. And you are included in this as we wouldn't have been able to get a third printing done if people weren't buying our book! Thank you!

Emily is now off to plant trees, but don't you worry... Part 2 is in the illustrative works! If you have no idea what  wiTHIN is all about... check it out on my website or by clicking here.

Teaching About Body Image Through Games

A few weeks ago I went to an ugly sweater Christmas party (yup... in an elf onesie!) and the host introduced "Pictionary Telephone" to me.  It's an easy party game to play with a group of people. Everyone begins by writing a phrase on a piece of paper, then passes it to their right.  The person looks at the phrase, and then attempts to draw it (no words allowed) on a blank piece of paper. It gets passed to the right, where the person receiving it writes what they think was drawn. The stacks of paper makes its way around the room until you get back the phrase you wrote at the beginning of the game. So, if you're playing with 10 people, there will be 10 stacks of paper (10 sheets each) that are simultaneously getting passed to the right each time. At the end of the game, each participant goes through the stack of paper, trying to make sense of the sequence of words and drawings. Ultimately, the goal is for the last drawing to be as accurate as the first saying. 

Here's an example, all on one sheet of paper. 

Last week, I was reinvented to speak to a class of high school students in Guelph, ON. I thought it would be fun to play this game, with a twist. I had all the students start with a phrase that included something cool, or something they liked, or something positive about bodies (their own or just in general). Sidenote...the poor girl who got my initial phrase. I had written, "Eyes are the window to your". Yup... totally forgot to write the word "soul". Anyways... eventually, after many many laughs, giggles and "how the heck am I supposed to draw that" comments, we all got our phrases back. And, you guessed it... they all came back twisted and not on par with what was originally written. I asked the class whether or not what they had written on the first piece of paper was true. They all nodded. I then asked them if even though the message got distorted along the way, did it somehow make the original phrase false. They shake their heads.  I then broadly asked them what they thought I was trying to get them to think about regarding body-image. Here's what I got: 

- people might judge or talk negatively about your body, but that doesn't mean it is true. Nor should you doubt what you initially wrote, even though the message came back distorted.

- you might say negative things about your body over the years, but that doesn't take away from the fact there are many positive things about it

There are so many influences that affect how we think and feel about our bodies. Somewhere along the way, for many, the message gets twisted, distorted and negatively interpreted. At the beginning of the talk, I had the class think of their baby picture. I had them think about if that baby deserved to hear all the negative things they were saying to themselves now. It wasn't a cruel guilt trip... l just wanted them to think about what changed from that picture and all the positive things they felt toward it, versus now. Did that baby not have worth because their arms were chubby, or maybe, underweight? Did that baby not deserve to have people love it because it's feet were large, or because it was bald? Had they messed up too many times in life since that picture was taken to feel that way again? Had too much 'life' happened to feel worth a second time?

It takes work, forgiveness and a desire to try... but I believe healing and a healthy sense of body image is possible. Start by saying positive things to yourself and your body, despite what everyone else is saying. Give your  body the benefit of the doubt and trust it knows what it is doing. Recognize its worth, even if you've gone a long time believing the opposite. Take a step back to think critically as to why you feel so negatively about your body, challenging whatever you uncover (such as speaking up again fat talk at the office/locker room/class and the latest diet fad).  

Talk with a therapist to help you get back to what you first initially wrote about your body. Maybe, it's been so long that you can't fully remember what it was that you liked or felt. That's okay!  Talking with someone can help! It's okay to start liking what your body does, even if you can't fully accept how it looks. It's a start! For example, one may not like the size of their feet, but can appreciate that it helps them get around. One might feel frustrated with the shape of the buttocks, but can appreciate that it provides a soft cushion to sit on. The important thing is to start saying something positive and build from there!