A New Year

Christmas is over, and New Year's Eve is just days away.... ok ok... it's tomorrow... it's been a busy few days and this post has been put to the side for longer than I would have liked :) Anyways... I've started to notice (like clockwork) an increase in diet ads and a plethora of suggested resolutions. Lose 'X' amount of pounds, or get a six pack in 'X' amount of days. Every year, people set goals that often fade within the following days, weeks or months.  Then, without fail, the year ends and new (or the same) weight loss or appearance altering goals are made with the hope this new year will somehow be different.

Consider adding the following three points into your New Year's Eve resolution.

Make it Sustainable - Change something in your life that you can do throughout the rest of your life.  A huge problem with New Year's resolutions is that the change in behaviour is set for a specific amount of time... a 'blitz' of sorts.  Once the changed behaviour stops, our bodies respond to that change. Take diets for a second.  They don't work, mainly because they aren't sustainable. Weight gain typically occurs when the individuals returns to their former way or eating (or when they return to a healthy caloric intake as diets tend to be restrictive). Don't feel as though your current diet (as in the foods you eat on a regular basis) is healthy or sustainable? Get connected with a dietician who can suggest areas where you can make simple, long term, sustainable changes, improving your health and wellness.

Make it Realistic - Sometimes people set goals that just aren't realistic. If you hate running and haven't done physical exercise for awhile, saying you will run 10 kilometres by the end of the week probably isn't realistic, fun, or safe!  Start small and build off that. Don't forget to pick something you enjoy, or at the very least, tolerate. Promising you will only think positive thoughts might be difficult if you've been berating yourself for years.  Change is possible though. Maybe you start off by saying one nice thing to yourself per day, and build off that. Consult with your doctor and talk with a therapist to help set up realistic and healthy ways of making change in your life today!

It's Not About Success or Failure - Thinking in these terms is too black and white. Try having a range to fall in instead of a certain number or size (i.e.: "I'm going to cooking at home 3-5 times this week instead of eating out", or "I'm going to schedule in 2-3 times per week as 'me time').  Flexibility in your thinking and goal setting is important. Things come up in life, and it's okay to bend from what was initially planned. It's okay to cancel out from your scheduled gym time because you recognize your body is tired and needs rest. It's okay to change your plans upon realizing you actually just need some alone time. When this happens, it doesn't mean you've failed... it means you are being healthy, attentive and kind to yourself and your body. Remember, you can always get back on track if you stray from your desired change. It doesn't have to be all or nothing :) 

Not sure of what kinds of things you want to change (and you definitely don't need to wait for Jan. 1st to make positive and healthy lifelong changes)? Check out this list for some ideas:

- practice self-care more often, daily even

- strive towards accepting your set point (your genetically predetermined weight range your bodies goes to when eating/exercising normally/healthily)

- give yourself permission to feel your emotions instead of judging them

- forgive yourself and/or someone else

- build healthier relationships by asserting your boundaries

- do that something you want to do but don't let yourself do

- add to this list :)

Teaching About Body Image Through Games

A few weeks ago I went to an ugly sweater Christmas party (yup... in an elf onesie!) and the host introduced "Pictionary Telephone" to me.  It's an easy party game to play with a group of people. Everyone begins by writing a phrase on a piece of paper, then passes it to their right.  The person looks at the phrase, and then attempts to draw it (no words allowed) on a blank piece of paper. It gets passed to the right, where the person receiving it writes what they think was drawn. The stacks of paper makes its way around the room until you get back the phrase you wrote at the beginning of the game. So, if you're playing with 10 people, there will be 10 stacks of paper (10 sheets each) that are simultaneously getting passed to the right each time. At the end of the game, each participant goes through the stack of paper, trying to make sense of the sequence of words and drawings. Ultimately, the goal is for the last drawing to be as accurate as the first saying. 

Here's an example, all on one sheet of paper. 

Last week, I was reinvented to speak to a class of high school students in Guelph, ON. I thought it would be fun to play this game, with a twist. I had all the students start with a phrase that included something cool, or something they liked, or something positive about bodies (their own or just in general). Sidenote...the poor girl who got my initial phrase. I had written, "Eyes are the window to your". Yup... totally forgot to write the word "soul". Anyways... eventually, after many many laughs, giggles and "how the heck am I supposed to draw that" comments, we all got our phrases back. And, you guessed it... they all came back twisted and not on par with what was originally written. I asked the class whether or not what they had written on the first piece of paper was true. They all nodded. I then asked them if even though the message got distorted along the way, did it somehow make the original phrase false. They shake their heads.  I then broadly asked them what they thought I was trying to get them to think about regarding body-image. Here's what I got: 

- people might judge or talk negatively about your body, but that doesn't mean it is true. Nor should you doubt what you initially wrote, even though the message came back distorted.

- you might say negative things about your body over the years, but that doesn't take away from the fact there are many positive things about it

There are so many influences that affect how we think and feel about our bodies. Somewhere along the way, for many, the message gets twisted, distorted and negatively interpreted. At the beginning of the talk, I had the class think of their baby picture. I had them think about if that baby deserved to hear all the negative things they were saying to themselves now. It wasn't a cruel guilt trip... l just wanted them to think about what changed from that picture and all the positive things they felt toward it, versus now. Did that baby not have worth because their arms were chubby, or maybe, underweight? Did that baby not deserve to have people love it because it's feet were large, or because it was bald? Had they messed up too many times in life since that picture was taken to feel that way again? Had too much 'life' happened to feel worth a second time?

It takes work, forgiveness and a desire to try... but I believe healing and a healthy sense of body image is possible. Start by saying positive things to yourself and your body, despite what everyone else is saying. Give your  body the benefit of the doubt and trust it knows what it is doing. Recognize its worth, even if you've gone a long time believing the opposite. Take a step back to think critically as to why you feel so negatively about your body, challenging whatever you uncover (such as speaking up again fat talk at the office/locker room/class and the latest diet fad).  

Talk with a therapist to help you get back to what you first initially wrote about your body. Maybe, it's been so long that you can't fully remember what it was that you liked or felt. That's okay!  Talking with someone can help! It's okay to start liking what your body does, even if you can't fully accept how it looks. It's a start! For example, one may not like the size of their feet, but can appreciate that it helps them get around. One might feel frustrated with the shape of the buttocks, but can appreciate that it provides a soft cushion to sit on. The important thing is to start saying something positive and build from there! 

Thankful For Our Bodies

I remember being in grade five or so, sitting on the floor of our school's gymnasium during an assembly. I sat there, looking at my feet with such distain, disgust and shame. I hated my feet. I thought they were huge.  If I hadn't known they were my own feet, I would have thought they belonged to a  Sasquatch.  I didn't care that they enabled me to walk, run and skate around. I didn't care that they supported my body, allowing me to stand and balance. I didn't care that they had this amazing quality of being able to spread its toes like nothing you've ever seen, freaking people out. All I cared about was their size. Too big, not lady-like, etc. 

Skip ahead to my fourth year of University. I found myself sitting in the library of a University reading a textbook on the human development and growth across the lifespan. To my amazement, I read how feet grow prior to an onset of growth in height as the feet support/balance the body.  The size of my feet in grade 5 were simply a natural and normal part of my development. It was healthy, not bad or wrong. My body was just doing what it was created to do. I had the same feeling when I learnt about set-point theory (your body has a genetically predetermined weight range it will hover around when you are eating and exercising normally). I'm not saying acceptance of my set point was instantaneously, but it definitely helped to know my body knew what it was doing regarding my weight. 

I wish I could tell my younger self on that gymnasium floor why my feet were the size that they were. I wish I could tell her about set-point instead of B.M.I..  I wish I could tell her to be thankful for what her body was doing and to also accept its limitations.  Perhaps, she wouldn't have had the need to desperately manipulate it into something it was never meant to be. Moving forward, in the unknown amount of years ahead of me, I want to carry a healthier and more positive perspective towards my body.... both in the things I understand and the things I don't.

I had a conversation with the illustrator of wiTHIN (Emily McGratten) earlier this week. She told me about an interview she heard on the CBC about bodies and how we have a hard time accepting what it does, how it changes over time and how we get upset or feel shame about the things it does to keep us healthy.  For example, farting is an important part of our bodies functioning that is some what uncontrollable. In our society, it can be shameful or disrespectful to be caught passing gas. 

The main point of this post is not to focus on farting or feet. The larger point I want to make is the importance of learning about our bodies, how it functions (and to know the signs of when it is not functioning correctly) and to encourage us to be thankful for what our bodies do, as opposed to how it looks, smells or changes over time.  I want to encourage other to not take their bodies for granted, yet to embrace EVERY part of it... both inwardly and outwardly. 

I'm So Angry... Am I Allowed? - Allowing Yourself To Have Feelings Around Your Loved One's Mental Health Issues

As a friend/caregiver of someone with an eating disorder, can you relate to this thought process?:

"What happened to my kid/friend? He/she was so kind, patient, respectful... I don't recognize him/her anymore. I used to be able to talk to him/her and have dialogue. Now, I just get the evil eye and attitude. That's on a good day, otherwise, he/she is so withdrawn and is in his/her room. I'm so angry. What kind of person gets mad at a sick person. I'm just so tired of walking on egg shells, not knowing who I'm going to get. I just want my son/daughter/friend back. I want my family/friendship back... I want my life back."

I want to say, right off the bat, that whatever feelings you have regarding your situation is ok. Feelings are feelings and you are allowed to have them. You're not a bad person for having feelings of anger, frustration, annoyance, etc. Who wouldn't? It's like this thing has taken over your child/loved one, completely changing how you knew how to relate to, talk with and love them. Here are a few pointers to help manage and deal with your feelings:

1) Know Who You're Angry With - Are you really angry at your loved one or at the disorder? There's a difference! Are you mad at the eating disorder that displays itself through increased irritation or did he/she throw eggs at your car because you didn't let him/her stay out passed crew few?  Just because your loved one is struggling with an eating disorder doesn't mean there are no consequences for behaviour. At the same time, knowing your loved one is responding the way she is is linked to the eating disorder may help you have more compassion, tolerance, understanding, etc. 

2) Voice It - It's ok to let your loved one know that you are angry at the eating disorder and not him/her. This doesn't mean you are screaming at her in an effort to reach the eating disorder, as it is acknowledging that you love him/her and see the two as different entities. It's the same thing as when you catch him/her egging your car. You still love him/her, and are angry at the behaviour that resulted you having yolk on your windshield. Pretending that you aren't angry isn't helpful, as I'm sure he/she is picking up on that. 

3) Talk to a Professional/Support Group - I've written about this point before. It is important to not attempt going through this journey alone. Just like your loved one needs support and a treatment team, so do you. You need a safe space to be candid with those who understand and can support you. Keeping it in will only drain your resources.  You'll loved one may tell you not to, which can be a great opportunity to model to them how it is okay to get help. Having a conversation with your loved one around who is safe to talk with can be helpful. 

4) Self-Care - Taking the time to self-care is critical. Just like you would take a step back during a heated argument, enabling you to return to the conversation more level headed, so it is when you follow through with your plans to go on a date night or get a massage. Taking time for yourself helps puts some energy back in the tank and models to your loved one that it's ok that take care of yourself!

5) Validate Feelings - Logic and rational will not work when trying to communicate to your loved one who is struggling with an eating disorder, which can lead you to feeling frustrated, annoyed and angry. Try a different approach by validating the emotion behind what your loved one is communicating. When he/she says, "I hate that you won't let me exercise", respond by validating the angry, "it sounds like you are angry that you can't exercise right now".  Validating emotions communicates that you truly hear him/her. It allows you to get to the root of what is going on in that moment. 

What Do You Need To Hear?

I've had a few opportunities, recently, to sit amongst high school students and share a bit about who I am and what I do.  One experience was in a high-school class, the other at a youth group. Both occasions were surreal experiences.  It's funny how some details of the past fade away, while others will forever stand out.  I forgot how walking through the halls of high school feels like walking through a sea of people. I forgot about the music that plays over the intercom, summoning you to class. Then there's the morning announcements and the feeling of standing up to sing (or not sing) O'Canada.  I forgot about  the giddiness of girls that occurs before the start of youth group and the excitement of hanging out with friends you hadn't seen all week (or since Sunday). 

I really didn't like high school. Perhaps, it is more accurate for to say that I didn't really like myself during high school, which made the whole experience that much more unpleasant. Being amongst the halls of high school was definitely not "the best times of my life".  It wasn't all bad or negative though. I did meet some great people, both in and outside of the high school I attended, and loved the opportunities that presented themselves from playing sports. 

I wish I knew then what I know now. I'm sure in 20 years, I'll be saying the exact same thing.  I wish I had given myself permission to clearly ask for what I needed, as well as given myself permission to receive it.  I wish I allowed myself to believe and recognize my worth that was there all along, even though I didn't see it. I wish I learned earlier on that people can't read my mind and automatically know what i need to hear from you.

 It's not too late to change the message or belief you have about yourself... it does mean, however, taking time to go to those dark places and allowing yourself to recognize what you need.  To try and believe something within or about yourself, even though there's a voice inside telling yourself otherwise. 

What is it, right now, you need to hear or believe about yourself or your situation? Do you need to believe that recovery is possible and that you can do it? Do you need to hear that you are seen, loved and appreciated regardless of grades, appearance, mistakes, productiveness, weight, etc? Do you need to believe you are valuable, forgivable, and worthy of second/third/fourth chances? Do you need to hear that people haven't given up on you yet? Challenge those core beliefs about yourself that keep you from moving forward or hinder you from self-acceptance.

Stop and take a moment to write a letter to yourself, being the voice that you wish you could hear or believe*. Get in touch with your emotions, giving yourself permission to go to those places of vulnerability.  You don't have to wait to hear what you need to hear from someone else... you can start with yourself...

*Doing this exercise might stir up a variety of emotions.  Allow yourself to process it with a therapist, friend, colleague or teacher.  

wiTHIN at Comix Plus

For years growing up, I would accompany my brother to Comix Plus Music, where he would get the latest Marvel or DC Comic releases. I would wait outside, watching our bikes, humming a song in an effort to pass the time. One time, I was completely unaware that they could hear me inside, as the shape of the entrance acted like an amplifier. Yup, my brother later informed and made fun of me (as brothers do) on the bike ride home.  

The relationship with comics that my brother nurtured over the years, and rubbed off on me, is one of the major influences as to why wiTHIN was created as a graphic novel. Telling a story through images makes reading fun and easy. It also has the ability to depict emotions in a much quicker and relatable way.  Often with mental illness, attention span and retention is compromised, making the graphic novel medium just seemed to make sense.  I also like to think it makes reading issues that has stigma attached to it a little less threatening and a little more approachable and empathetic.  

I was recently in Thunder Bay, ON (home of the Sleeping Giant, Persians, the Hoito, -40' weather, great fishing and more) and stopped by Comix Plus, wiTHIN in hand, as they delightfully agreed to sell our book. A few things had changed since I had last been there... I drove instead of biked down, I was a few inches taller, with a few more years added to my age. Comix Plus, on the other hand, had the same old feeling to it. I wondered to the used CD section to see what 'oldies' where in the oldies section. I riffled through the used record section, I walked passed the VHS's. There were new toys and games, a variety of collectables and rows of comic books, new and old, waiting to be snatched up. I enjoyed the familiarity of our visit, reliving old memories, and now, creating new ones! Thank you Comix Plus for letting wiTHIN find a place in your home! If you find your way in Thunder Bay, check out Comix Plus and pick up a copy, or visit withincomic.com to order one!

If I Woke Up and Didn’t Have an Eating Disorder…

Years ago, I was asked to contemplate the following miracle question (concept from solution focused therapy):

“What if a miracle happened overnight and you woke up no longer having an eating disorder. What would be different? How would you know? What would you do first? Who would be the first person to notice?”

My answer was simple in nature, yet, at the time, felt impossible to achieve. I had dug a hole too deep this time… I had no idea how to ever get back to such a normalcy with my relationship with food. I, however, didn’t feel like what I was asking for was too much though… Perhaps, it was this piece that made me have hope that recovery could be possible.

Years later, as a clinician, I often ask my clients the same question. Their answers are usually very similar to the one I gave all those years ago… to not have to think about food all the time… to be able to go downstairs and make breakfast without having anxiety about it or letting whatever I chose determine the rest of my day… to be able to eat with my family/friends without having to have special conditions or preparations put in place… to be able to eat until I was full and then stop… to give myself permission to have seconds… not needing to punish myself afterwards. Sounds pretty reasonable, doesn’t it? There were no requests to be able to grow wings and fly to the moon or wanting to be able to solve P versus NP (one of the six unsolvable Millennium Prize Problems). The answer usually entails taking back the control food has had in their (our) life.

It is possible you know… Maybe it doesn’t come in the form of simply waking up one morning and living life differently, but the end result can still occur. How? Well, there’s no one correct way or an exact equation in getting there.  That’s not a bad thing, as it allows for treatment to be tailored to your needs.  Connecting with a therapist who has an understanding in eating disorders and disordered eating is a good start! Likely, food has become a coping mechanism in some form and purpose.  Looking at the underlying reasons, and gaining healthy coping skills is definitely important. In the mean time, here are some helpful points to consider…

1.  Is that going to help you in the long run? Sure eating, or not eating, whatever is in front of you might make you feel in control, comforted, distracted, etc in the short term, but how is it going to help you in the long term? Does it teach you how to cope in a healthy manner, or will it continue feeding your unhealthy relationship with food.

2.    Are you really pissed off at those peas or is it about something else? Sometimes we eat, or don’t eat, to avoid feeling our emotions. The peas don’t have anything to do with it… Try to take a moment and recognize what and why you are feeling the way you do and deal with it accordingly. Feeling sad? Comfort yourself with a bath, a hug, a blanket, draw, read, etc. Angry? Assert yourself, set up boundaries, take healthy appropriate action…

3.     Separate exercise from food! Wait at least an hour after eating to go for a walk, run, bike ride, etc. Don’t exercise if your intention is to burn calories. Give yourself time to digest and work through the emotions and thought process that may present themselves after having eaten. Exercise has a time and place, and it’s important to build other skills/coping mechanisms to work through anxiety after meal times. Do a paint by numbers, read, draw, answer e-mails, do the dishes, journal, etc.

 4.     Dieticians Are Great Resources! See a registered dietician (preferably one with experience with eating disorders/distorted eating and practices from a Health at Every Size framework) to learn about portions sizes, national value and meal plans. You might have to relearn what is healthy and normalized, especially if you have been sick or dieting for many years.  Maybe you were never taught in the first place. Creating meal plans can help with preparation and making sure you are getting enough of what you need nutritionally. Following a meal plan leaves less time for scrambling, which often leads to high-risk situations.    

Fitspiration: Are We Fooling Ourselves?

I've seen a plethora of media outlets talking about being 'fit'. This movement has been nicknamed 'fitspiration'. Remember the whole 'thinspiration' movement that encouraged thinness...  Remember how people fought back by creating anti-thinspo quotes that flooded Pintrest, Twitter and Facebook.  People were upset that thinness instead of health and wellness were being encouraged, leaving many people feeling ashamed about their bodies.  Let's not be fooled that fitspiration is no different.

Two of the most upsetting quotes I saw read, "Strong is the new Skinny" and "Skinny people look good in clothes, fit people look good naked". WHAT? Really? All thats changed is the wording.  The obsession with the body is still there. It's like they are saying, not only do you have to be thin, you must now also be fit, have a six-pack, and total muscle definition on your entire body.  The expectation just became greater! Let's not fool ourselves that this message is somehow less damaging than the thinspiration ones. It is still encouraging us to track numbers, whether by how many kilometres we've run or how many pounds we've bench pressed. It's still the wrong message we need to be seeing and believing!

I want to make perfectly clear that I am all for exercise and strength building... I am not denying that exercise has a place in everyone's lives. Many studies show the positive health benefits of raising our heart rate, moving our bodies and doing weight resistant activities... The type of exercise I stand behind is HEALTHY, BALANCED and SUSTAINABLE exercise. It needs to be done in a way that encourages us to listen to our bodies when it tells us to stop. Exercise that allows for mindfulness when we are doing it.  Exercise that has the end result of health in mind instead of a certain physical form, waistline or looking good naked (one of the fitspiration arguments). Let's not narrowly define what is beauty! 

Fitspiration does not teach individuals how to have a healthy relationship with exercise. In fact, it disguising healthy aspects of exercise with unhealthy ones.  For example, in some of the posts, outdoor exercise was encouraged (GREAT! Not all exercise has to be in a gym setting), but then it was paired with an image of a toned, thin woman (NOT SO GREAT). Others are just so blatantly unhealthy (which I choose not to repeat as I do not want to trigger or support by repeating). Where's the health at every size model? Why can't you pair exercising outside with someone of all shapes and sizes.  Guess what... people have cellulite and that doesn't equate to unhealthiness.  Mother's have stretch marks and it's okay if they don't go away. Men do not have to have to look like the Hulk.  We need to encourage and communicate healthy and balanced exercise.  We must not neglect our spiritual, mental, emotional and social needs by spending so much time building our physical physique.  Fitspiration moves way past building strength to a whole other level than meeting physical needs.  And my question is... what's that really about?